Lingering Culture Shock

Although we have committed to staying in the area for an extended period of time, there are times when I feel that I don't fit into the culture that is "America", and in particular the Southern way of life.  There are a number of factors that contribute to this feeling, including views on politics, social cues, language, intent, and sense of humor.

Firstly, politics in this country are ingrained in the very being of every person.  It often defines a person's religious views, where they shop, how they dress, who they are friends with and how open or closed minded they are.  So many stereotypes exist to label who a person is or isn't Republican, Democrat or Libertarian.  Most of the time, ignorance and lack of communication makes it impossible for members of whatever party to be together.  Even in my own mind I find it difficult not to discriminate or shy away from most Republicans, not because I cannot listen or accept their views, but because they are unable to listen or accept my views.  Being in a country where there are so many different people and cultures but only main streams of thought is hard to get used to and I'm not sure this will ever completely feel right to me.

Socially, I have always been able to start a conversation, make friends easily, and be liked by others.  Most of the time I am comfortable in myself and I don't worry about what others think.  One lingering issue for me is the lack of interest from most to make an effort to form a friendship.  A friendship only forms when there is reciprocation.  People seem to say one thing but mean another for fear that they will hurt someone's feelings.  For example, when someone says "we should totally go out for a drink sometime", I expect that they will follow through, either accepting an invitation from me to go out, or make an effort to invite me.  When someone says "I can totally help you with that" or "if you ever need anything just let me know", I expect that it is ok to call when I need something.  When it becomes one-sided, just me making the effort, it is extremely discouraging and I inevitably feel like the fool.

In an expat community, friendships are made easily and quickly, and it is easy to accept all walks of life and views on this world because of it. However, these friendships are often superficial for the same reasons.  So I can see the pros and cons.  It's just frustrating to always be the one making the effort, and in return feeling anxious because of my eagerness.  The say-one-thing-do-another really throws me and I am not sure how to read people who are pros at this behavior.  What is the person's intent?  How do I read their social cues?

Another shock is sense of humor, or lack thereof.  Certain topics are off limits or taboo.  Perhaps this is just people taking themselves too seriously.  It think it goes back to the whole fear of hurting someone's feelings.  Trouble is, it creates a false sense of who a person is, and in the end, friendships become superficial.  It's definitely something I miss about living abroad - the ability to speak your mind and be accepted, and the willingness of others to create new friendships.

Just some thoughts from the weekend.  On the flip side, I have my husband, my house, my animals, my garden, my sanity.

Will This Be Me in 30 Years?

In light of the rise of pregnancy in the circle of "people I know" over the past year, I began to read some articles about other people's experiences of what it's like to not have children.  As someone who doesn't yet have children by choice, I sometimes feel like I am either missing out on something or just annoyed because I don't seem to fit into my environment.  Most of whom I know are parents already, and I can only think of a handful of friends that do not have children, most of which live far away.  In my work, I am an "expert" for young children (3-6 year olds), and I have learned how to communicate with parents on an objective level of the child's social, emotional and academic needs.  So why do I feel so blah about this?  I'm thinking it's just my continued issue with being left out.  However, this is not to say that I am going to produce a child because of it, but more a comment on how difficult it is being a "married without children" in an environment that mainly promotes families.  Even more difficult is the increasingly few friends I have to chat with on this topic, as if competing for time with my parent friends wasn't enough.

In the article/response to the question: "What is it Like To Be an Adult and Not Have Kids?" from www.slate.com, a woman in her 60's comments on her choices in life not to parent and how she was feeling about it after the possibility to have children had passed.  In reading it, I couldn't help but think, could this me in 30 years?  What if I too wait until it's too late?  Will I regret the decisions I make now?

The issue with me and having children is this:  I am not ready to change my priorities and I enjoy having time to myself.  I also enjoy having uninterrupted time with my husband.  We have a really solid relationship and a good life.  If I say to myself, "why would I want to mess that up", it's a signal to me that I am not ready.  I want to feel like I am using my life to it's fullest and I think eventually being a parent would be included in that, now's just not the time.  On the flip-side it's a struggle being married without children and keeping up friendships that were already so difficult to develop.  The reason:  never enough time.  I can imagine that keeping up with a family, having time to yourself, and keeping up with friends who want to go out for drinks often is difficult, so I try to keep an open and non-judgemental mind.  Sometimes it works and sometimes I'm so over the excuses not to hang out.

Perhaps it's the constant banging on about having children and it being so hard that turns me off to the idea.  Maybe it's the complete submission to that kind of life that I don't like or the comments like "it's different when they're your own".  I'm sure it is, but there needs to be at least a smidgen of positivity on the subject before one dives in.  Like many of our endeavors, my hubby and I plan things and we don't take life-changing decisions lightly.  It was painful enough buying our first car and then our house (which are not permanent things)!