Closing One Book, Opening Another

It's something that I've always had issues with:  it's closure.  From a simple seemingly weird conversation with a random person to a run-in with a friend or colleague, I go over and over things in my head way more than necessary.  I also hold onto emotions that ring out strong in me.  Music or words can trigger these emotions bringing me right back into the feeling of that past moment.  I work constantly not to over analyze every aspect of my day especially interactions with others.  I'm sure I am not alone with these anxieties and I have learned to deal with myself when little things arise.  I also have a great husband who listens to my incessant babbling and friends who talk me down when I work myself up.  Wine helps too.  Actually, wine helps a lot.  

Something happened today though.  As I opened my Facebook account this morning I was surprised to have a message from a person from my past.  A person who had quite a wonderful and severe impact on my young life.  A friend... a foe.  I didn't know what, until today.

In the years echoing the uncomfortable end of this friendship I had with this certain someone, I have felt that a part of me was undone, frayed at the edges.  It was like I hadn't said what I needed to say or heard what I needed to hear.  It wasn't that I hadn't moved on with my life, it was just an uncomfortable feeling that surged through me whenever I thought about my friend.  Actually, had I not separated from this friend I would never have met my husband, who has been the best thing in my life, so I can't say that I regret anything, even the really tough stuff.

Today I decided to begin the road to closure.  Today I decided to take the bull by the horns and do what needed to be done, regardless of the outcome.  I responded to this message and included my thoughts and emotions about what had happened.  My efforts to close the book resulted in connecting with an old friend and learning that after years and years that the feeling was mutual.  It's interesting how time heals, how age mellows a soul, and how good it feels to replace bad feelings with good ones.  Today I moved on and it feels really good.

Actions and Reactions

Every couple of years when election time rolls around I find myself disappointed in what comes out of the woodwork.  I've always maintained my stance that people can be friends with wildly different beliefs but for some reason it always surprises me how people share those beliefs on Facebook and my response to it.

Firstly, it should be known that I love FB!  It helps to connect people, I can share photos and thoughts and I can keep tabs on friends without having to get on the phone.  I know, it's terrible but it's also in keeping with the age.  The age of not wanting to talk so much on the phone but rather sending a text or email or FB update.  While I want to hold on to the good old days of sending letters and cards by mail, I do find that I am increasingly using online media to connect with people.  And if I don't connect over the phone, I'd rather just ask a friend out for a face to face drink or coffee or something.

FB is annoying for the same reasons that it is great.  People are not bothering to connect outside of their computer (guilty), and it makes sharing thoughts and beliefs and having a rant that much easier.  Because of online media, people don't have to be as accountable for what they say and do.  People don't have to actually back up hurtful or charged statements.  People have lost self control.

When election time roles around, I find myself getting swept up into people's blanket statements about opposing parties and their inability to think through the things they are posting.  My initial instinct is to write a heated response because I am so appalled that my friend would actually believe what they just posted!  Thank god for the Backspace.  For me, Backspace equals self-control.  For me, Facebook isn't a place to tell everyone that I am an agnostic social democrat with judgement issues - that's why I write this blog.  Did I just label myself?  Well, now you know.

I guess what I am most surprised at is my reaction to political issues and my own judgmental nature.  So what that someone I respect posts that they like Mitt Romney?  So what that someone just posted a sign saying "Get Rid of Obamacare"?  And it's not just those that take a stand, it's also those who just say screw it all and just push any old button in that voting booth.  What's that all about?

I don't like talking about politics because of this reaction.  I want so badly to understand others and to accept their views on politics, but instead I get an immediate feeling of "what is wrong with you!"  The truth is, nothing.  There is nothing wrong with others' standing up for what they believe in and there is nothing wrong with telling everyone about it.  There is something wrong with making political statements (and any statement for that matter) without backing it up with a well-though-out reason.  Maybe I wouldn't feel so disappointed in the viewpoints of others if I actually knew why they had those views?  I don't know all there is to know about anything really, especially politics.  But I do know that if I choose to be bold enough to come out with some kind of political statement, I will be ready with adequate backup to my comments.

Coffee Leads to Deep Thought

This morning in our usual summer fashion, I attempted to slowly wake up at the dining room table, coffee in hand while Al tottered around the house saying "I'm late for work".  Even in this transitional state, we often have mini-conversations about random topics.  This morning, I read yesterday's receipt from The Lock Doctor and noticed that the locksmith wrote in big rounded lettering.  However we got there, our conversation lead to the subject of gay marriage and the meaning of freedom.  (And might I take this opportunity to say that "Terri" did a great job!?  He was five minutes early, took just an hour to install three deadbolts and cleaned up after himself.  I strongly recommend.)  So, back to the story...

Dictionary.com defines "freedom" as the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint, exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc, the power to determine action without restraint, political or national independence, personal liberty, as opposed to bondage or slavery.

So much these days the concept of freedom is slung around like an accessory to almost every political or patriotic conversation.  A point was brought up this morning; what is freedom?  Although it's easy to go online and insert said definition with said word, often times our cultural usage of language complicates already heated topics.  Or, is it the other way around - heated topics are skewed by our cultural usage of language?  Do people use the term "freedom" too lightly?  Is freedom undervalued because we have cheapened it with catch phrases?

I personally get peeved at the inconsistencies surrounding freedom, but mainly the use of the word freedom to gain power.  Surely if we are a country who are free, a country who boasts personal liberty, a country who prides itself on making decisions of the people and for the people then "the people" would be able to make their own choices, i.e. marriage, abortion, health care...

Yes, these are BIG topics without perfect solutions.  And even as I write this, I can sense inconsistencies in my own thinking.  For example, I believe in a government health care option for the simple reason that it would allow those who can't otherwise afford health insurance to be covered.  However, from what I just said above, does a government health care option infringe on people's liberty?  Some feel that they would be forced to pay out of their taxes for a service they won't use.  That could be said for lots of things and for fear of ranting, which is not the purpose of this post, I'll just stop right there about that.  If you would like to comment, please feel free to do so.  

Some believe marriage is a religious institution - why then must we need a marriage certificate from local government?  If that's the case, then why doesn't government let the people marry whom they like while churches decide what they deem right?  Again, it's that darn interpretation of freedom.

As usual, I ask more questions then I can answer, but I believe that asking questions is one of the best ways to gain information and learn new things.  Regardless of what our own interpretations and beliefs are, it's necessary to be open enough to ask questions and more importantly, to actually listen to the answers.  Sadly, most of the time when I ask questions to others with opposing beliefs the conversation shuts down.

Perhaps freedom should extend to freeing our minds of prejudice, judgement and opposition.  Perhaps we need to free ourselves from the discomfort of disagreeing with each other.  Imagine it, would the world be a more peaceful, tolerant, accepting place?  I'm not sure.  It's just another question to ask.  

My Recall of Total Recall

Yesterday morning I awoke and said to myself "this feels like a movie day".  After a wonderful, hour-long manicure and paraffin dip at Cityspa in Charlottesville, I went to see the recent version of Total Recall.  I openly admit that the original is one of my favorite movies, even the "terrible" graphics in all their ancient glory and Schwarzenegger's iffy acting.  Now, if you aren't a fan of Total Recall, the original, or you haven't seen the latest version, please stop reading, I don't want to spoil it for you.  However, if you don't care, go ahead and continue.

What I loved about the original:  it's set on Mars, it includes a story about a secret agent and mutants, it's action-packed, and it really does make you question what's real and what's not.

Although the latest version didn't rate very high I thought it was great.  I can't wait to see it again actually (at home of course, going to the movies is expensive).  The main story was there - an unfulfilled normal kind of guy, Doug Quaid, decides to go to Recall to experience being a secret agent, it turns out he is a secret agent (or is he?) and then gets all mixed up in the good side/bad side fight for power/freedom, he gets the girl, Melina, and they live happily ever after (or do they?).  

The biggest difference was that the film wasn't set on Mars but rather in the only two places on the planet that were left inhabitable after major chemical warfare: "The United Federation of Britain" and "The Colony".  The two were connected by this awesome gigantic subway train called "The Fall" which allowed people to commute to and from the two places everyday.  How?  It went through the earth's crust.  One of the coolest features of this film was the gravity shift after passing the Earth's core.  No gravity mixed with action and an awesome set were a plus for me.  The overall vision and design of the UFB and The Colony were also pretty cool and rather than actually flying, cars were controlled by powerful magnets.

The UFB had posh buildings that had elevators that went up, down and sideways - not unlike some in my dreams (truly, I have dreamed of these kind of elevators).  The Colony scenes were like a future Chinatown and it rained all the time.



                                                                                                                                                                             

Overall, if you don't expect the new Total Recall to be exactly like the original, you won't be disappointed.  Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the special effects, explosions, fight scenes and above all, Colin Farrell's sexiness.

And in case you fans are wondering... "the girl with 3-boobs" made an appearance in the new version too.

Another Day, Another Gray

Last night as I took down my hair one hair-tie at a time, I noticed a shining hair among all others, another gray.  It's been a few months now since I spotted my first one and I supposed that now because I'm thirty-one, this is going to become a common occurrence.  How did I become over thirty all of a sudden!?  It seems like only yesterday I packed my bags and moved across the Atlantic!  Feeling like age is catching up with me has been a couple of years in the making, and the odd gray hair is my six-month alarm, waking me up to the reality that time is ticking.

It seems so trivial that I should even be bothered by a number.  Not the number of gray hairs but my age.   However, the number explains why my body doesn't lose weight the same way it used to regardless of exercise, it explains the small ever-increasing lines around my eyes, and it explains why I am beginning to get gray hair.  I've known many with pre-mature gray, but their shining silvery locks don't bother them one bit.

Perhaps it is understanding and accepting the inevitable: that people get older, grayer, and more wrinkly.  Perhaps my slight anxiety stems from the reality that maybe I'm not doing what I need to do in the time I have to do it.  Maybe it's a fear that somehow I will become mediocre and colorless in this colorful world.  Maybe it's a fear that although I am not at a parenting stage in my life, I will wait until it's too late.  Maybe my biggest fear is "growing up" and looking back with the comment, "I wish I had done that".

Life for me is doing what I love to do, not wasting it on trivial bullshit.  I think that's why I a dabble in just about every craft, I have tried many different sports, and I seem to leap from task to task often without completing them.  Putting my fingers in every pie is how I feel connected and fulfilled.  It keeps me away from regret.

I know hair dye is possible, but over the past year I've been getting away from coloring my hair.  It's too expensive and it's been fun to be natural for the first time since middle school.  Yes, I said middle school.  Right now, I suppose I am focusing on trivial bullshit, gray hair.  It's not about the number or what color my hair is, it's how I feel and live.  I feel great and life is great!  What more is there to ponder? At least until six-months from now.

Could You?

Saturday night we found ourselves getting glued to the TV watching "I, Caveman".  The show was a televised experiment of a group of people (ten maybe) who vowed to live like paleolithic man for a total of ten days.  The participants began foraging forest plants like stinging nettles, dandelions and cattails and as they got hungrier their diet began to include small forest snails, frogs and squirrels if they could find them.  After several failed attempts of hunting small game including a muskrat in a nearby pond, the group was approached by the show's stone age weapons expert who presented the leather- and fur-clad participants with a load of spears and atlatl.  After starvation and dehydration began to set in around Day 7, two participants decided to bail off the show claiming that their bodies just weren't "made for this", and finding meat fast became the first and foremost objective for those remaining.

A hunting party set out before dawn the following morning and after three hours, the hunters were close enough to take a shot.  What followed still makes me upset as I write and it's this emotion that makes me think about my own existence in this world.  Hungry and on the brink of starvation, one hunter, a writer actually used the atlatl to spear the elk in the neck, rendering it to the ground.  The others then approached the majestic animal to quickly put it out of it's misery, the last spear puncturing the lung.  Two things that were emotional about this scene:  Firstly, watching the animal exhale for the last time, and secondly, the emotions that were displayed by the hunters in the show.  Three men and one woman had used a primitive weapon to hunt and kill a huge elk and had learned to do so in less than a week and were very emotional in having to kill such an amazing creature for survival.

  

This elk was thanked for it's life and then gutted and quartered to be carried back to camp.  Upon arrival, the others at camp were excited and eager to cook and eat the meat, all except for one woman who felt like she would vomit from the sight of it.  She refused to partake in eating the elk and continued to eat only nettles and dandelions.  I was bothered by this blatant refusal to except our true human nature as omnivores and in their case, hunter-gatherers.  These people were deeply affected by killing an animal yet they understood that it was for their own survival and therefore worked past it.  For me, it was a disservice to the animal not to at least try to eat it.  One other who had left the experiement on Day 6 claiming that her body just wasn't "made for this" also refused to eat anything but plant matter and therefore suffered greatly.  On Day 7, another left out of frustration of coming up empty-handed on previous hunts.  

The show left me with all kinds of questions and thoughts, and because one day we will have chickens for their eggs (and possibly roast them when they stop laying), I began to ask myself if could I kill an animal for my own survival?  As modern humans the necessity to kill for survival is pretty much non-existent.  Other than roasting one's own hens for the flavor, it's easier to let someone else do the dirty work.  However, in our modern world where we can go to the shop and buy whatever we want, and eat non-seasonal vegetables and fruits all year long, are we as humans losing our connection to our environment?  I think yes.  How many people have I come into contact with who say that they don't like handling raw meat, or don't know that bacon comes from pigs.  How many others don't realize vanilla comes from a bush?  How many just don't care because they don't have to?  

The truth is, most people just want ease of life and technology is there to do just that, to make life easy.    The easy life is detaching us from our roots as hunter-gatherers and from our connection to the natural world we live in.  Are we losing our primal tenacity and perseverance?  I'm not a technology hater in the slightest, but there is a need to respect nature and keep that awe of living things as we did when we were children.

Could I kill to survive?  Yes, definitely, but I would be deeply saddened by the experience.  And if my reaction was anywhere near that of watching it on TV, I wouldn't kill unless absolutely necessary.  In today's modern world I needn't worry about killing anything to eat anytime soon.  However, we have to hold on to our connection to nature.  We can't forget that we are only here for a time, that we should work in harmony with plants and animals and that we are lucky that supermarkets exist.    

   

Recent Obsession

So, I am obsessing of late over my stomach.  Aside from the fact that I have slimmed down in almost every other area, my belly has been getting bigger over the past few months.  I can't see how this has happened! What has changed?  My diet is a little better - although I have moments when I am completely naughty... and ok, so those "moments" sometimes last a couple of weeks.  But I always get back on the wagon.  Kind of a depressing thought, but I'm 31 next month.  All those things that I've heard from others time and time again... "when you turn 30 your body turns on you" and ya-da ya-da ya-da.  So what, I have cholesterol like a stag, I am fit and frankly, it's amazing how I pull off weighing as much as I do.  Muscle?  I doubt it.  It's this damn belly.

Thought for The Moment

Another day of summer camp at my school has just passed and I'm thinking "what have I gotten myself into?"  It has been a year of furthering my own education, full time working (with small children I should add), and generally feeling like I never stop going, mentally or physically.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of children actually.  It's not that I dislike them because I don't.  It's not that I don't light up when I see them in the morning because I do.  I'm just done.  Thankfully, at this point in my life, I can give cuddles, be with them for a time and then hand them back.  I'm sure there are plenty out there who might read this and think "how can she be a teacher and say that?", but yes, teacher's do like to have their adult time too.

We are human.  We need time to re-group, to be alone, to gather our thoughts and to get our energy back after spending around 6 hrs+ a day with them all school year.  Why then do some think that if someone enjoys children that they should want to be around them ALL the time?  I'm sure most parents would agree that although children are wonderful, there are times when you just need some me time.  Teachers can get that me time during the summer break.  I myself signed on to work 3 weeks of summer camp.  It seemed like such a good idea at the time.  We need the money for our new house.

Well, if there is anything that I've learned in my adult life (and living with my husband because he REALLY believes in that), "you make your bed, you lie in it".  It's a harsh reality but it's true.  Sometimes you've just got to push through.  On the positive side, there are no academic pressures and I did sit and make paper-bag puppets today.  There are worse things - like washing dishes in a hot kitchen or something.

"Me on the Beach"... and then I woke up.