Lingering Culture Shock

Although we have committed to staying in the area for an extended period of time, there are times when I feel that I don't fit into the culture that is "America", and in particular the Southern way of life.  There are a number of factors that contribute to this feeling, including views on politics, social cues, language, intent, and sense of humor.

Firstly, politics in this country are ingrained in the very being of every person.  It often defines a person's religious views, where they shop, how they dress, who they are friends with and how open or closed minded they are.  So many stereotypes exist to label who a person is or isn't Republican, Democrat or Libertarian.  Most of the time, ignorance and lack of communication makes it impossible for members of whatever party to be together.  Even in my own mind I find it difficult not to discriminate or shy away from most Republicans, not because I cannot listen or accept their views, but because they are unable to listen or accept my views.  Being in a country where there are so many different people and cultures but only main streams of thought is hard to get used to and I'm not sure this will ever completely feel right to me.

Socially, I have always been able to start a conversation, make friends easily, and be liked by others.  Most of the time I am comfortable in myself and I don't worry about what others think.  One lingering issue for me is the lack of interest from most to make an effort to form a friendship.  A friendship only forms when there is reciprocation.  People seem to say one thing but mean another for fear that they will hurt someone's feelings.  For example, when someone says "we should totally go out for a drink sometime", I expect that they will follow through, either accepting an invitation from me to go out, or make an effort to invite me.  When someone says "I can totally help you with that" or "if you ever need anything just let me know", I expect that it is ok to call when I need something.  When it becomes one-sided, just me making the effort, it is extremely discouraging and I inevitably feel like the fool.

In an expat community, friendships are made easily and quickly, and it is easy to accept all walks of life and views on this world because of it. However, these friendships are often superficial for the same reasons.  So I can see the pros and cons.  It's just frustrating to always be the one making the effort, and in return feeling anxious because of my eagerness.  The say-one-thing-do-another really throws me and I am not sure how to read people who are pros at this behavior.  What is the person's intent?  How do I read their social cues?

Another shock is sense of humor, or lack thereof.  Certain topics are off limits or taboo.  Perhaps this is just people taking themselves too seriously.  It think it goes back to the whole fear of hurting someone's feelings.  Trouble is, it creates a false sense of who a person is, and in the end, friendships become superficial.  It's definitely something I miss about living abroad - the ability to speak your mind and be accepted, and the willingness of others to create new friendships.

Just some thoughts from the weekend.  On the flip side, I have my husband, my house, my animals, my garden, my sanity.

Will This Be Me in 30 Years?

In light of the rise of pregnancy in the circle of "people I know" over the past year, I began to read some articles about other people's experiences of what it's like to not have children.  As someone who doesn't yet have children by choice, I sometimes feel like I am either missing out on something or just annoyed because I don't seem to fit into my environment.  Most of whom I know are parents already, and I can only think of a handful of friends that do not have children, most of which live far away.  In my work, I am an "expert" for young children (3-6 year olds), and I have learned how to communicate with parents on an objective level of the child's social, emotional and academic needs.  So why do I feel so blah about this?  I'm thinking it's just my continued issue with being left out.  However, this is not to say that I am going to produce a child because of it, but more a comment on how difficult it is being a "married without children" in an environment that mainly promotes families.  Even more difficult is the increasingly few friends I have to chat with on this topic, as if competing for time with my parent friends wasn't enough.

In the article/response to the question: "What is it Like To Be an Adult and Not Have Kids?" from www.slate.com, a woman in her 60's comments on her choices in life not to parent and how she was feeling about it after the possibility to have children had passed.  In reading it, I couldn't help but think, could this me in 30 years?  What if I too wait until it's too late?  Will I regret the decisions I make now?

The issue with me and having children is this:  I am not ready to change my priorities and I enjoy having time to myself.  I also enjoy having uninterrupted time with my husband.  We have a really solid relationship and a good life.  If I say to myself, "why would I want to mess that up", it's a signal to me that I am not ready.  I want to feel like I am using my life to it's fullest and I think eventually being a parent would be included in that, now's just not the time.  On the flip-side it's a struggle being married without children and keeping up friendships that were already so difficult to develop.  The reason:  never enough time.  I can imagine that keeping up with a family, having time to yourself, and keeping up with friends who want to go out for drinks often is difficult, so I try to keep an open and non-judgemental mind.  Sometimes it works and sometimes I'm so over the excuses not to hang out.

Perhaps it's the constant banging on about having children and it being so hard that turns me off to the idea.  Maybe it's the complete submission to that kind of life that I don't like or the comments like "it's different when they're your own".  I'm sure it is, but there needs to be at least a smidgen of positivity on the subject before one dives in.  Like many of our endeavors, my hubby and I plan things and we don't take life-changing decisions lightly.  It was painful enough buying our first car and then our house (which are not permanent things)!

Closing One Book, Opening Another

It's something that I've always had issues with:  it's closure.  From a simple seemingly weird conversation with a random person to a run-in with a friend or colleague, I go over and over things in my head way more than necessary.  I also hold onto emotions that ring out strong in me.  Music or words can trigger these emotions bringing me right back into the feeling of that past moment.  I work constantly not to over analyze every aspect of my day especially interactions with others.  I'm sure I am not alone with these anxieties and I have learned to deal with myself when little things arise.  I also have a great husband who listens to my incessant babbling and friends who talk me down when I work myself up.  Wine helps too.  Actually, wine helps a lot.  

Something happened today though.  As I opened my Facebook account this morning I was surprised to have a message from a person from my past.  A person who had quite a wonderful and severe impact on my young life.  A friend... a foe.  I didn't know what, until today.

In the years echoing the uncomfortable end of this friendship I had with this certain someone, I have felt that a part of me was undone, frayed at the edges.  It was like I hadn't said what I needed to say or heard what I needed to hear.  It wasn't that I hadn't moved on with my life, it was just an uncomfortable feeling that surged through me whenever I thought about my friend.  Actually, had I not separated from this friend I would never have met my husband, who has been the best thing in my life, so I can't say that I regret anything, even the really tough stuff.

Today I decided to begin the road to closure.  Today I decided to take the bull by the horns and do what needed to be done, regardless of the outcome.  I responded to this message and included my thoughts and emotions about what had happened.  My efforts to close the book resulted in connecting with an old friend and learning that after years and years that the feeling was mutual.  It's interesting how time heals, how age mellows a soul, and how good it feels to replace bad feelings with good ones.  Today I moved on and it feels really good.

Actions and Reactions

Every couple of years when election time rolls around I find myself disappointed in what comes out of the woodwork.  I've always maintained my stance that people can be friends with wildly different beliefs but for some reason it always surprises me how people share those beliefs on Facebook and my response to it.

Firstly, it should be known that I love FB!  It helps to connect people, I can share photos and thoughts and I can keep tabs on friends without having to get on the phone.  I know, it's terrible but it's also in keeping with the age.  The age of not wanting to talk so much on the phone but rather sending a text or email or FB update.  While I want to hold on to the good old days of sending letters and cards by mail, I do find that I am increasingly using online media to connect with people.  And if I don't connect over the phone, I'd rather just ask a friend out for a face to face drink or coffee or something.

FB is annoying for the same reasons that it is great.  People are not bothering to connect outside of their computer (guilty), and it makes sharing thoughts and beliefs and having a rant that much easier.  Because of online media, people don't have to be as accountable for what they say and do.  People don't have to actually back up hurtful or charged statements.  People have lost self control.

When election time roles around, I find myself getting swept up into people's blanket statements about opposing parties and their inability to think through the things they are posting.  My initial instinct is to write a heated response because I am so appalled that my friend would actually believe what they just posted!  Thank god for the Backspace.  For me, Backspace equals self-control.  For me, Facebook isn't a place to tell everyone that I am an agnostic social democrat with judgement issues - that's why I write this blog.  Did I just label myself?  Well, now you know.

I guess what I am most surprised at is my reaction to political issues and my own judgmental nature.  So what that someone I respect posts that they like Mitt Romney?  So what that someone just posted a sign saying "Get Rid of Obamacare"?  And it's not just those that take a stand, it's also those who just say screw it all and just push any old button in that voting booth.  What's that all about?

I don't like talking about politics because of this reaction.  I want so badly to understand others and to accept their views on politics, but instead I get an immediate feeling of "what is wrong with you!"  The truth is, nothing.  There is nothing wrong with others' standing up for what they believe in and there is nothing wrong with telling everyone about it.  There is something wrong with making political statements (and any statement for that matter) without backing it up with a well-though-out reason.  Maybe I wouldn't feel so disappointed in the viewpoints of others if I actually knew why they had those views?  I don't know all there is to know about anything really, especially politics.  But I do know that if I choose to be bold enough to come out with some kind of political statement, I will be ready with adequate backup to my comments.

Coffee Leads to Deep Thought

This morning in our usual summer fashion, I attempted to slowly wake up at the dining room table, coffee in hand while Al tottered around the house saying "I'm late for work".  Even in this transitional state, we often have mini-conversations about random topics.  This morning, I read yesterday's receipt from The Lock Doctor and noticed that the locksmith wrote in big rounded lettering.  However we got there, our conversation lead to the subject of gay marriage and the meaning of freedom.  (And might I take this opportunity to say that "Terri" did a great job!?  He was five minutes early, took just an hour to install three deadbolts and cleaned up after himself.  I strongly recommend.)  So, back to the story...

Dictionary.com defines "freedom" as the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint, exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc, the power to determine action without restraint, political or national independence, personal liberty, as opposed to bondage or slavery.

So much these days the concept of freedom is slung around like an accessory to almost every political or patriotic conversation.  A point was brought up this morning; what is freedom?  Although it's easy to go online and insert said definition with said word, often times our cultural usage of language complicates already heated topics.  Or, is it the other way around - heated topics are skewed by our cultural usage of language?  Do people use the term "freedom" too lightly?  Is freedom undervalued because we have cheapened it with catch phrases?

I personally get peeved at the inconsistencies surrounding freedom, but mainly the use of the word freedom to gain power.  Surely if we are a country who are free, a country who boasts personal liberty, a country who prides itself on making decisions of the people and for the people then "the people" would be able to make their own choices, i.e. marriage, abortion, health care...

Yes, these are BIG topics without perfect solutions.  And even as I write this, I can sense inconsistencies in my own thinking.  For example, I believe in a government health care option for the simple reason that it would allow those who can't otherwise afford health insurance to be covered.  However, from what I just said above, does a government health care option infringe on people's liberty?  Some feel that they would be forced to pay out of their taxes for a service they won't use.  That could be said for lots of things and for fear of ranting, which is not the purpose of this post, I'll just stop right there about that.  If you would like to comment, please feel free to do so.  

Some believe marriage is a religious institution - why then must we need a marriage certificate from local government?  If that's the case, then why doesn't government let the people marry whom they like while churches decide what they deem right?  Again, it's that darn interpretation of freedom.

As usual, I ask more questions then I can answer, but I believe that asking questions is one of the best ways to gain information and learn new things.  Regardless of what our own interpretations and beliefs are, it's necessary to be open enough to ask questions and more importantly, to actually listen to the answers.  Sadly, most of the time when I ask questions to others with opposing beliefs the conversation shuts down.

Perhaps freedom should extend to freeing our minds of prejudice, judgement and opposition.  Perhaps we need to free ourselves from the discomfort of disagreeing with each other.  Imagine it, would the world be a more peaceful, tolerant, accepting place?  I'm not sure.  It's just another question to ask.  

My Recall of Total Recall

Yesterday morning I awoke and said to myself "this feels like a movie day".  After a wonderful, hour-long manicure and paraffin dip at Cityspa in Charlottesville, I went to see the recent version of Total Recall.  I openly admit that the original is one of my favorite movies, even the "terrible" graphics in all their ancient glory and Schwarzenegger's iffy acting.  Now, if you aren't a fan of Total Recall, the original, or you haven't seen the latest version, please stop reading, I don't want to spoil it for you.  However, if you don't care, go ahead and continue.

What I loved about the original:  it's set on Mars, it includes a story about a secret agent and mutants, it's action-packed, and it really does make you question what's real and what's not.

Although the latest version didn't rate very high I thought it was great.  I can't wait to see it again actually (at home of course, going to the movies is expensive).  The main story was there - an unfulfilled normal kind of guy, Doug Quaid, decides to go to Recall to experience being a secret agent, it turns out he is a secret agent (or is he?) and then gets all mixed up in the good side/bad side fight for power/freedom, he gets the girl, Melina, and they live happily ever after (or do they?).  

The biggest difference was that the film wasn't set on Mars but rather in the only two places on the planet that were left inhabitable after major chemical warfare: "The United Federation of Britain" and "The Colony".  The two were connected by this awesome gigantic subway train called "The Fall" which allowed people to commute to and from the two places everyday.  How?  It went through the earth's crust.  One of the coolest features of this film was the gravity shift after passing the Earth's core.  No gravity mixed with action and an awesome set were a plus for me.  The overall vision and design of the UFB and The Colony were also pretty cool and rather than actually flying, cars were controlled by powerful magnets.

The UFB had posh buildings that had elevators that went up, down and sideways - not unlike some in my dreams (truly, I have dreamed of these kind of elevators).  The Colony scenes were like a future Chinatown and it rained all the time.



                                                                                                                                                                             

Overall, if you don't expect the new Total Recall to be exactly like the original, you won't be disappointed.  Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the special effects, explosions, fight scenes and above all, Colin Farrell's sexiness.

And in case you fans are wondering... "the girl with 3-boobs" made an appearance in the new version too.

Another Day, Another Gray

Last night as I took down my hair one hair-tie at a time, I noticed a shining hair among all others, another gray.  It's been a few months now since I spotted my first one and I supposed that now because I'm thirty-one, this is going to become a common occurrence.  How did I become over thirty all of a sudden!?  It seems like only yesterday I packed my bags and moved across the Atlantic!  Feeling like age is catching up with me has been a couple of years in the making, and the odd gray hair is my six-month alarm, waking me up to the reality that time is ticking.

It seems so trivial that I should even be bothered by a number.  Not the number of gray hairs but my age.   However, the number explains why my body doesn't lose weight the same way it used to regardless of exercise, it explains the small ever-increasing lines around my eyes, and it explains why I am beginning to get gray hair.  I've known many with pre-mature gray, but their shining silvery locks don't bother them one bit.

Perhaps it is understanding and accepting the inevitable: that people get older, grayer, and more wrinkly.  Perhaps my slight anxiety stems from the reality that maybe I'm not doing what I need to do in the time I have to do it.  Maybe it's a fear that somehow I will become mediocre and colorless in this colorful world.  Maybe it's a fear that although I am not at a parenting stage in my life, I will wait until it's too late.  Maybe my biggest fear is "growing up" and looking back with the comment, "I wish I had done that".

Life for me is doing what I love to do, not wasting it on trivial bullshit.  I think that's why I a dabble in just about every craft, I have tried many different sports, and I seem to leap from task to task often without completing them.  Putting my fingers in every pie is how I feel connected and fulfilled.  It keeps me away from regret.

I know hair dye is possible, but over the past year I've been getting away from coloring my hair.  It's too expensive and it's been fun to be natural for the first time since middle school.  Yes, I said middle school.  Right now, I suppose I am focusing on trivial bullshit, gray hair.  It's not about the number or what color my hair is, it's how I feel and live.  I feel great and life is great!  What more is there to ponder? At least until six-months from now.